Thursday, September 17, 2009

Perservere to endure ...

I am struggling to maintain my calmer and more positive, newly re-acquired emotional continence - and it scares me.

I cannot tell if the problem is that my new optimism was merely a chemical vapor built on medication that I am now being weaned off of, or a genuine flicker of my true, positive, core self that retreats when confronted by negativity. Either way, I need to get control pretty quickly or I am going to revert back to the angry and unhappy person I had become.

I want calm. I want optimism. I want balance. I realize that I should not expect either the people or the environments that are a part of my daily activities to change because I want them to. In all actuality, many do not need to change at all. Even if I could become a positive catalyst to those elements that are negative in nature, change is not fast. Leaving the negative environment is not the entire solution either because if part of the problem is my own control over how much negativity I internalize, I would only take it with me when I go and reinfect the new place. Besides, if leaving is the best plan for me, doing that would also take time and I need to stop the decline now, before it becomes entrenched again.

So I sit quietly and try to glue little handles to the good thoughts and feelings that remain from my near death euphoria so that I can hang on tight ... for dear life.

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