Tuesday, June 16, 2009

To blog or not to blog...that is the question?

I sure didn't stick with the new year's resolution I made, to post optimistic writing in the new blog, did I? This is really something I had hoped to do and certainly it is not completely lost, just shelved. Life is just racing with a speed that is not allowing me to catch my breath. There has been the usual share of trials and heartaches but for the most part, nothing is really bad...just a bit overwhelming.

Maybe I am not destined to write a blog? I don't immediately turn to this venue when I need to process life. Instead I curl to the inside to introspectively sort and plan and address events, good or bad, and perhaps I am too private to expose that process to others?

So once again I offer a small list of life's milestones to act as markers and perhaps lend some explanation to you, the reader.

I have stopped doing all art. This is not just a real shame - it is a cyclically adverse detriment to my survival. It could create a disconnect - a virtual chasm - between me and all that does work well and make me who I am.

My Grandmother died. I dearly loved her and she will be sorely missed. To be realistic, though, she was 108 and had a wonderful life and I could not hang on forever. I will see her again. It does remind me that life can end at any moment so we should not tarry but go forth and do... and be... and to thine own self be true. She was.

The stresses of my work have begun to manifest in physical ways and I am trying to acquiesce to my Dr.'s consult and take pills for one of the issues. Not a bad intent except that we are now on med #2 in our attempt to find one that works and that I can tolerate. As a result, I am 3 weeks into the process and I am still almost incapacitated by the side effects. My brain is mush, my muscles all ache terribly, I am so winded I can hardly walk down the hall, and my heart pounds at 130 beats a minute when I do. It's like I am having a heart attack. If my quality of life is so adversely effected then perhaps I would be better served to stop this blind dart game and gamble with the risks?

I am exploring new opportunities to enhance both of my professional toolkits. Whether I stay here or not for my library career will be determined by others - but I must look out for me and mine. I need my life back. I need my happy back.

Writing happy thoughts can certainly help correct a mis-perception and realign ones thinking towards optimism, but, it can also make one a Pollyanna ostrich with her head in the sand. I am inherently a happy person so I just need to pull myself up and move on so I can be myself...my real and happy self. I need to feel genuine again.

I cannot predict when I will write again but I don't think anyone is following this blog anyway.