Rather than be hard on myself (my natural reaction) I have got to be a little more realistic, and therefor forgiving. I keep assuming that my present physical condition-or state of mind-or work status is something that I have full control over and that if I were a stronger person, a wiser or more spiritual person, a better worker, everything would be great, right now!
Well, I am not in control and it is unrealistic to assume it could or should be fixed instantly. Besides, what is fixed, or even normal? It is this kind of skewed thinking that made me, an intelligent and self sufficient woman, become ensnared in an abusive relationship years ago and I should know better as a result.
The reality is - I am a woman, with all of the wonderful pros and cons of an earth bound biological creature ranging from physical maladies to emotional imbalances. Oh, sometimes I do it better - much like being more fit when I have been doing sit-ups or riding my bike. Other times I am out of shape because it is late winter and the holiday eating and the cabin-bound activities have left me that way - or I have been sick and it takes a day or a week or a month or several months to get back up to physical norms...or emotional norms. It takes time ... and discipline ... and patience ... and self forgiveness.
I am battling depression. I read the articles that told me that this weaning process from the medicines will cause depression but I still internalized the emotion. And I got mad at myself for it like I had control over the effects of powerful drugs, and their withdrawals. And I expected myself to be instantly right again without the long process of getting back in shape. Somehow I forgot that I would need to build my body and my mind back by doing exercises. I would need walk and do emotional sit-ups. I would need to find a new balance and a new normal.
And I am annoyed with myself because I just realized that I had told myself that if I were a stronger person, a wiser or more spiritual person, a better worker, everything would be great, right now!