Happy New Year.

Relaxing on a Tuesday morning.

I am sitting here watching my two favorite men sleep...and snore...and I am smiling. The sun is pouring through the window making rainbows on the yellow walls of the living room...and I am smiling. I am loved and the people who love me tell me so...often....and I am smiling. I am off work for the whole week so I can rest, regroup, center, share, and talk with people I love...and I am smiling. I can feel the warmth, smell the lingering food scents, hear the gentle snores, and see...oh I can see all of the wonderful sights of light and color and texture and familiarity...and I am smiling. God will never let me down...and I am smiling. There is a bright and wonderful new year about to start with all of the hopes and joys and blessings waiting to flood over me. How can I help but keep smiling?

What the doctor said...

Well, the news was not as ideal as I had hoped but I can't say it was bad either. It is ambiguous. It places me in that perfect place where a person is challenged to say whether the glass is half full or half empty. My knee jerk reaction was, "Crap!" I am working on that.

I gave my multi vials of blood and by the time I was sitting in the exam room the doctor could chat about the numbers on the screen. Most numbers came back good - liver, kidney, sugar, etc - but the hemo count (my main baby) has dropped back from the 14 in late September to 11.
He asks, "Have you been feeling tired? (Crap!)
"yes, a little, but I assumed it was running full throttle and the season and..." (Crap!)
"I will order some extra tests of Bs and Irons too" (Crap!)
"It maaaaay be that when the last of the drugs left your system your body has struggled to take up the task of making good blood on its own. This may have been temporary and we will see it improve as you body gets stronger ... or it may mean that we are looking at one of the Mileo blah-blahs that mean your body is still destroying your blood and we will begin to talk treatment..." (Crap!)
"Don't worry yet because 11 is just below normal (12-15) and not necessarily a bad omen. Have a happy holidays, OK?" (Crap!)
"I want to see you in January again to test these numbers" (Crap!)

OK, tantrum is over. This is going to work out and I just need to concentrate on the positive and cut the Crap attitude! I can do anything .... I have God on my side!

Doctor's visit

I know it is silly but I see my doctor this afternoon and I am a little worried. No, I don't feel especially sick, nor have I had any premonition. I think it is just plain knee jerk fretting. This is a 3 month followup (actually 2 1/2 month). I asked him to set my appointment for late December so that it would still fall in 2009 for the insurance deductibles -since they're all met for this year [no kidding, really?]. Since my savings are all gone, the longer we can put off 2010 start up costs the better.
Maybe that is where the fear comes in? If anything is wrong and I need to resume - anything - I am financially toast. Luckily, we had been saving for a bathroom in the basement and so had a little nest egg when 2009 hit. As of this paycheck my insurance at work went up over 100 more a month and thanks to city property taxes our mortgage has done half again as much as that. Some say I should have sued the 'old bad doctor' and there are times I wonder if I heard right when I listened to the inner voice.
Ah but then if I question that voice every time I cannot say that I live by faith can I. Faith is trust and I trust God will not leave me flapping in the breeze.
I think the only affliction my doctor will discover is that I did not loose the weight he wanted me to loose by the next time he saw me. Sorry. It is just a combination of work stress eating and the long run of holidays. Hey buddy-let's see you deal with what I deal with and loose weight. HA!
There, that felt good.

Christmas approaches.

It is the week before and I am just observing another difference in me. Curious. There are quiet pools of calmness where my covet lists used to be. I keep telling my sweetheart that I don't want-don't need-anything under the tree. He insists. I insist. We found watches in Walgreens for $4.95 a piece, bought two for each of us since that is cheaper than batteries and was fun. I put them unwrapped under the tree. There! But he still wants to buy something to wrap. I am really OK and would be absolutely content as is.

We went to Target and created photo cards for the first time ever. I ordered 100. I wanted to send to people I had never sent to, people who had touched me this past year, people who are keepers in my life...and yes, of course, some of those political people who reside in work or family circles. This may be the only one they'll ever get but it feels like a closure action, on the high road. Between the cards and the stamps, the cost is one of my gifts back. Right? No, there should be something wrapped under the tree for me. He insists. I insist. I smile because I am going to loose this one and ...even that is not important. I love him and if he needs to buy me something - that's fine too.

• I am OK with my hair now. It has stopped falling out and I have adjusted to the new look--and hats.
• Work is unchanged but I am redoubling my efforts to evolve so that I can endure. I actively try and look for the positive bits--what I can do, what I have accomplished, who around me are blessings (either partly or in their entirety), and the security of a job with benefits that provides me with food and shelter for myself and the man I love. Change does not happen overnight, only the knowledge that change must occur...the process is hard, but rewarding work.
• I have launched my art website. It is just a start but I feel good that I am finally moving forward, albeit slowly. No more being the servant who buried his talents and displeased the master.
• Dad has driven down from his home west of the twins, in 'da nort, and will be with my sister until Christmas day. The he comes to my house for a week. I am already grinning. True, we will have some grating and tension to go with the joys because I am his stubborn child and 3 adults in the house for a week is a trial, but more celebration than aggravation.

I am really, truly blessed and look forward to the new year with great joy and anticipation. It will be another wonderful year-perhaps even better than this one, and this would be hard to top!

Post Turkey weekend cheer

I had an absolutely marvelous long holiday weekend. I relaxed, ate, and laughed...a lot. Twice I had people say, "cute hat!" and I felt young and sassy. This might be the beginning of me looking for the bigger picture for why this happened. God always has a really good reason for everything and the problem is usually that I cannot see his logic or see beyond the pain to the positive outcome. Was I too dependant on my hair to give me confidence? Had I been subconciously critical of appearances? Did I need to let go and grow some more? I can't ever really know but it is all good.

Hats

At the risk of sounding like a cliche, read this high and lilting, with the voice inflections of Shirley Temple - I dare you.

"Say! How about, instead of getting a butch hair cut and being depressed, I pull out all of my old hats! I used to wear hats all the time. Hats are swell and they keep your head warm and - golly - winter is just around the corner. I have cowboy hats, knit hats, baseball hats, vamp hats, voyager hats, skunk-skin hats, Amish hats, pillbox hats, top hats...why you name it and I probably have one. Golly Gee sure! That's what I'll do."

OK, yes, maybe so. Not a bad idea. OK, but without the accent.